It's been another weird week in retail. Louis Vuitton managed to make table tennis more of a rich leisure sport than it already is, Prada released the mother of all luxury fanny packs and the commencement of the 2018 World Cup inspired some unfortunate designs.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Louis Vuitton and the bid for luxury ping pong
Following overpriced fashion trends — think $800 dad shoes, $6,000 sentient jackets and $1,300 shirts on shirts — is one thing, but we haven't truly hit peak luxury until people are buying leisure sports kits.
Following on its branded toilet art, Louis Vuitton has been selling a set of luxury ping pong paddles that come with a leather cover, according to Purseblog. Buyer's remorse that kicks in a year down the line free with purchase.
The product, which is selling for a mere $2,210 (Tiffany's $9,000 ball of yarn has thrown everything since into harsh perspective), is "ideal for travel," according to the product description — that is, if your vacation includes a luxury resort.
For the small price of a down payment on a car, we too can have "two professionally designed ping-pong paddles, regulation balls in a custom holder, and an exclusive cover crafted of masculine Monogram Eclipse canvas."
Aside from the obvious use case here — flaunting one's wealth poolside — we imagine that, under the right circumstances, this product could also be used for playing ping pong.
louis vuitton makes a ping pong paddle case #goals— Hellariah Cleantman (@ZachWichman) December 17, 2017
to anyone who can afford a £1400 Louis Vuitton Ping Pong set, u wanna gimme that money instead?— Ciarán (@LoonyLupin93) June 3, 2018
The fanny pack strikes back
The fanny pack is a rare creature — we usually catch a glimpse of it once a year, when some absurdly over-the-top luxury brand charges $650 for one — but every once in a blue moon we get lucky and run into not one, but two overpriced fanny packs.
This week's episode of "why I spent over $500 on an out-of-date accessory" is brought to us by Prada — made famous for the $185 paperclip — which is now selling a fanny pack the size of a large purse for $1,550 and the soul of your youngest child. The "Prada Black Nylon Belt Bag," reported by Bustle, comes in four colors with alarmingly gothic metal studs and no other good reason to purchase it.
Aside from a "modern attitude," it's not clear what else these fanny packs have to offer, except for the chronic back pain customers develop from wearing a 20-pound sack around their waist. But, after all, why buy a delightful 90s Mickey Mouse throwback for $26.99 when we could instead spend so much more to purchase a product attempting to replicate that nostalgia?
The future of consumerism has never looked brighter.
you ask if i really need a prada fanny pack as if the answer is not a resounding yes— jen nubian, M.D. (@jewishjen) February 13, 2018
World Cup kicks quality fashion to the curb
It's time for another worldwide sporting event, and we know what that means — bad fashion statements! The World Cup may have just started, but that hasn't stopped brands from creating horrendous products centered around this festive time.
In January, it was Ralph Lauren's Olympic fanboy clothing line stealing the spotlight, but now we have attractive men in tailored suits (Nigeria is the fashion favorite right now), and appropriately horrific clothing for the fans, presumably so they don't outshine the players.
According to Heart, e-commerce site Redbubble has come up with some of the least flattering England merchandise imaginable — in the form of jersey-like dresses — that will make even Liverpool natives question if they really want to cheer on the homeland this year.
The enthusiasm for questionable sport attire was sadly not limited to World Cup-themed atrocities. Supreme also got in on the action, per GQ, with a Nike collaboration that says "I like chunky dad shoes" and "I still play with Hot Wheels" at the same time.
Flames in fashion aren't dead — they're just struggling to stay lit.
Male models try on pregnancy
The runway has brought us many laughable moments this year — the tragic fall of a Victoria's Secret angel, the return of Crocs in a horrible platform variety and now a host of male models wearing fake pregnant stomachs.
The models, according to Cosmopolitan, were a part of designer Xander Zhou's London fashion show, because there's no better way to show how inclusive you are than depicting a reproduction scene that is not humanly possible.
In response to the justifiably confused reactions the models received, the brand responded with an Instagram post saying, "At Supernatural, Extraterrestrial & Co., we're prepared to welcome a future of male pregnancy," which unintentionally screams "Alien."
Hopefully, the results are not quite as graphic.
So inauthentic! Should’ve hired male models who were really pregnant.— Mariam (@mariamkhudik) June 12, 2018
Any research on the wage gap between pregnant male models and their barren female counterparts?— Thom B. (@BryerTom) June 12, 2018