It's been another weird week in retail. Asos and Crayola teamed up to make face-drawing crayons a reality, Balenciaga is selling a neon yellow fanny pack for more than your Stanley Cup ticket and Crocs have stepped back into the luxury spotlight.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Asos brings a pop of childish color to beauty
Kids have been using crayons to write on everything but paper since the first pack of utensils came around, when young children everywhere simultaneously felt the itch to drag tantalizing colors like "unmellow yellow," "macaroni and cheese" and "outer space" across their arms and face in the ultimate display of defiance.
While this behavior is still inappropriate for children, it has become acceptable for young adults with Asos' launch of a Crayola beauty line, as is wont to happen with most things we criticize children for (it's only a matter of time before toddlers everywhere learn that "stop whining" is a hypocritical statement coming from an adult that hasn't gone a week without complaining about work, the government or how Toys R Us' bankruptcy is just going to give more power to big-box retail).
Products in the makeup collection either look like a crayon or are encased in a pencil case-like bag, because nothing says "I'm an adult now" quite like embracing childhood consumerism (for an extreme case, please see: parents throwing children's birthday parties on private jets).
One caveat here: In this case, drawing outside the lines probably isn't a sign of individuality. It probably just means you did your makeup wrong.
omg crayola come out with a beauty line, I may just start wearing makeup for that reason alone— MelissaRose (@_kretch) June 6, 2018
Crayola Beauty exclusive for ASOS.— ESMERALDA (@esmepalaganas) June 1, 2018
I mean guys -- look at that beauty of a campaign. And packaging! pic.twitter.com/kXCciMD7Fx
Balenciaga slaps a $650 price tag on your fanny (pack)
In a record rivaled only by Asos, Balenciaga is now starting its third week on the Retail Therapy column for an item that defies anyone (outside of the Coachella concert crowd) to take one look without relentlessly shaming the wearer.
What is this item that causes so much distress for the preppy, the fashion-conscious or frankly anyone not fashion inept? We're glad you asked. Enter: the $650 Balenciaga neon yellow fanny pack, styled by Hybebae as a "summer staple," because all it takes to nail summer fashion is to wear overpriced accessories in bright colors.
There's not really much to say about this product except for the fact that customers are apparently not meant to wear it around their waists, as is traditional, but instead in a cross-body formation of sorts that, we're sure, is not only incredibly comfortable, but also well worth the price tag.
But hey, if Indiana Jones can wear a satchel, then fanny packs can make a rebound.
If I see you with a $650 balenciaga fanny pack ima rob you, I don’t even live like that but it’s the principal— Lip Gallagher (@tonestradamus) June 7, 2018
The year of the luxury Crocs
There's nothing like throwing in a bad fashion statement to make Crocs even worse than they already are. It worked for Balenciaga's platform variation and now Alife has jumped on board the foam footwear trend with one of the worst combinations we've ever been forced to look at.
The Alife-Crocs collaboration, reported by Women's Wear Daily as a possible game changer for the brand, will include three different "luxury Crocs," which we like to think of as: the 80s track star, the urban architect grad student and the antisocial neighbor.
Predictably, they sport exorbitantly high price tags, from $600 for the most elaborate to $80 for the least creative, and it remains a mystery why a brand struggling to regain relevance would match up with a product that's so easy to hate, Drew Barrymore musical endorsement or not.
We don't want to point fingers here, but if Supreme hadn't been able to sell a brick for $30, would we even be having a conversation about whether or not luxury Crocs could spell a comeback for Alife?
Engaged couples say 'Yes' to pizza bouquets
The launch of a new product is always an exciting time for us, especially when it has something to do with the misuse of pizza to fuel consumerism.
The $10,000 pizza bikini sits vividly in our collective memory for that very reason, and this latest creation is a slice from the same pie. According to a press release emailed to Retail Dive, Villa Italian Kitchen has made the "world's first" pizza bouquet and boutonniere.
While it sounds like a relatively harmless idea for two kids heading out to the Prom that don't feel like spending a fortune at the florist, the company is actually aiming this giveaway at engaged couples "looking to add some fun and flavor to their big day" because nothing says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" more than allowing your partner to buy pizza bouquets without calling off the wedding in the process.
But what do we really know? Maybe couples that eat pizza together stay together. Just don't bring the New York-Chicago debate into it.