Retail Therapy: Tiffany rolls out a $9,000 ball of yarn
As shoppers get ready to count their blessings, the luxury brand’s new line of overpriced everyday objects will have them tallying the zeros on the price tag instead.
It's been another weird week in retail.
Tiffany released a line of "Everyday Objects" with far-from-ordinary price tags, Moschino started selling a $900 life-size dry cleaning bag and teenage rebels can now buy into the anarchist movement with a simple $400 investment.
This, and more, in this week's Retail Therapy.
Every Tiffany product has a silver lining
The luxury market has struck again — and this time it's not Balenciaga selling $795 tennis shoes or Neiman Marcus asking wealthy spenders to shell out thousands of dollars on "delightfully over-the-top finds." It's Tiffany.
In a move that seems to take inspiration from Prada's $185 paper clip, Tiffany's aptly named "Everyday Objects" line takes a host of commonplace items (think $575 paper cups, $1,500 coffee cans and $275 pencil sharpeners) and transforms them into overpriced commodities. Because nothing says "status symbol" quite like a $9,000 ball of yarn.
We have to laud the diversity of Tiffany's collection, though: it really does offer gifts for every member of the family. A $450 razor for dad, a $10,000 decorative bird's nest for mom, a $300 yo-yo for the kids and — what every high schooler enrolled in geometry wants for Christmas — a $425 protractor. Not to mention a $275 magnifying glass and a $950 candlestick, perfect gifts for the office or the in-laws.
Customers can expect every object they purchase to include some combination of silver, walnut and turquoise — as well as a healthy dose of pretension and the high possibility of buyer's remorse.
Tiffany is selling a can for $1,000.— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) November 7, 2017
In other news, I now understand why people stormed the Bastille.https://t.co/Gq3pNxjySJ
for christmas this year I’m getting everyone the everyday version of tiffany’s everyday objects— camille c.a (@chesdre) November 8, 2017
"We need something for the person who has everything"— Chelsea Kiene (@chelseakiene) November 7, 2017
"A tin can, but made of sterling silver & vermeil"
Moschino takes luxury shoppers to the cleaners
For many of us, Moschino has become synonymous with: "luxury My Little Pony," but the time has come for a new association. From here on out, "Moschino" will be known as the designer infamous for its "luxury dry cleaning bag dresses."
Don't let the name fool you: the $895 "Cape Sheer Overlay Dress," reported by Time, is not a dress at all — it's a polyester dry cleaning bag to be worn over another dress. And for those considering wearing it out to the company Christmas party, be sure to read the fine print: the black dress (of actual substance) isn't included.
At the very least, though, Moschino does seem cognizant of the fact that only the incredibly wealthy will be purchasing this product, and the company has targeted the piece accordingly: "This clear Moschino dry cleaning cape overlay dress is the only kind of laundry you'd be willing to do (for your trusty au pair takes care of that kind of stuff)."
Yes — the wealth-shaming for everyone without an au pair is free of charge.
The rebellion starts with $375
Capitalism is strong this week. With an eye on the overpriced pie, Barney's New York attempted to throw a line to teenage anarchists living off their parent's allowance — but it came with a side of controversy.
In an effort to buy its way into the resistance, Barney's started (and abruptly stopped) selling a $375 'anarchy jacket,' according to the Daily Dot. To be clear, this overpriced jacket isn't exactly for revolutionaries. The market is probably more like kids that listen to Green Day and have a couple hundred dollars set aside from their last birthday party. While it might look like nothing more than a beat-up old army jacket covered with a teenager's angst-filled writings, this jacket is so much more than that: it's a $400 beat-up old army jacket covered with a teenager's angst-filled writings.
The anti-fascist, anti-capitalist, pro-rebellion jacket is also covered in artful graffiti, like: "Revolution," "Disobey" and "They tried to bury us. They didn't know we were seeds." We can only imagine that's to reassure anxious parents that they're encouraging free (albeit oft-quoted) thought when they purchase this for the upcoming holiday.
As Albert Camus would say, the only way to deal with an unfree world is to spend $400 on a jacket that expresses your 'individuality.'
Nothing says 'Anarchist Revolutionary' like a $375 jacket from Barneys pic.twitter.com/om54Gcvkh1— The Safest Space (@TheSafestSpace) November 4, 2017
The Official Clothing Partner of Antifa Ltd— His Royal Highness, Max Awfuls III The Great (@MaxAwfuls) November 3, 2017
FINALLY! What we wear to irony's funeral. https://t.co/9kgmOEcItW— ΞXΓЯΞMΞ ҜIM (@kimrhodes4real) November 6, 2017
Dreaming of a pun-filled Christmas
Maybe for Bing Crosby, Christmas is all about snow, but for Rihanna, Christmas is all about socks with questionable puns on them.
Rihanna's newest sock collection (her last one featured her best-dressed moments), reported by Teen Vogue, is dubbed "Thottie or Nice" and includes a few relatively tame crew socks, some knee-high "Fur Fatale" socks and the title "Thottie or Nice" socks. According to the product description, Rihanna's collection is aiming to be "holiday kitsch at its finest."
Those looking for more than one cheesy holiday outfit can make their way to the crowded aisles of a local Target. We thought we heard the last of velvet jumpsuits after the Hanukkah outfit made its debut last week, but it seems that was only the tip of the iceberg. Target is selling the same product for Christmas lovers, with two varieties: the I-love-Santa-hats-and-stockings set or the mistletoe-is-for-me jumpsuit.
Lucky for us, Santa doesn't withhold gift-giving for bad style choices.
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