It’s been another weird week in retail.
Game of Throne’s fans can now dress like their favorite bastard with Ikea’s "Vinter Skuldervarmer" instructions, wear Rihanna’s best looks on their feet and carry a poop emoji handbag.
This, and more, in this week’s Retail Therapy.
A member of the Night’s Watch always wears his Ikea rug
Many ambitious DIYers have found themselves brought low by Ikea furniture instructions, screaming obscenities at the small booklet their cries bounce helplessly off of the bedroom walls with only a half-constructed bed and a neglected pile of rods, wood planks and screws for company.
Ikea’s new Game of Thrones cape instructions, reported by Bored Panda, hope to bring just as much joy as other building projects — albeit hopefully with fewer frustrated moments and much less time. The "Vinter Skuldervarmer," as Ikea has dubbed the cape, comes after Game of Thrones’ costume designer Michele Clapton revealed last year that the capes were actually made out of Ikea rugs.
The company’s three-step set of instructions allows aspiring members of the Night’s Watch to craft their very own cape with just a pair of scissors and $79 (not all of us have Littlefinger to find sufficient ‘coin’ for our purchases). Whether fans are venturing out beyond the Wall or traveling on the King’s Road, the Vinter Skuldervarmer rug-cape will get you there, with its only key feature being that the rugs are "soil-repellent and hard-wearing."
So head out to your local Ikea, grab a SKOLD rug and start your journey to match Jon Snow’s solemn and somber fashion. Sword, identity crisis and troubled family relationship not included.
Put your best Rihanna-clad foot forward
Have you ever looked down at your bland, store-brand socks and found yourself wishing that your favorite celebrity’s face was staring back at you? For Rihanna fans, that wish is about to come true.
Rihanna’s new sock line, Fenty for Stance, lets fans flaunt full-body recreation’s of the singer’s most iconic looks on their otherwise-ignored appendages, Billboard reports. The "Iconic Looks Collection" includes a variety of Rihanna’s best-dressed moments and — depending on personal preference — die-hards can buy a $48 "Rihanna Music Video Box" that comes with "a two sock set that is anything but well behaved." There's also a more refined "Rihanna Award Show Box," which makes it "crystal clear there can only be one true icon and her name is Rihanna."
If you’re lukewarm about having Rihanna’s body all over your legs, try to remember that hotter isn’t necessarily better. Take Huffpost’s discovery of Jeremy Scott’s new Ugg boots, for example. Flames? Hot. These Uggs? Ice cold.
Whatever you choose to cover your sole’s with, think long and hard about it — we wouldn’t want you walking down Main Street with cold feet.
Asos makes a piece of s*** handbag
Rihanna-themed socks and flame-lickin’ Ugg boots are nothing compared to Asos’ latest accessory. Sunglasses that double as hoop earrings are one thing, but a poop emoji handbag? Nothing could prepare us for this latest venture.
The brand’s recent movement into potty culture, documented by The Sun, seems to diverge from other poop emoji merchandise, which usually features a happy — and even conceivably cute — poop emoji (like this shirt and this pillow). The poop emoji driving Asos’ handbag, which is the same as featured in the Emoji Movie, looks not only creepy, but also way too smug for an accessory that only costs $32.
With a mouthful of a name ("ASOS x The Emoji Movie Poo Cross Body Bag With Detachable Chain"), we still have to give Asos props for sticking to its guns and clearly not giving a s*** when they wrote up the care instructions for this piece. If the handbag ever gets dirty, purchasers are instructed to "wipe clean with a damp cloth" — subtle.
What else can we really say? S*** happens.
Wut... pic.twitter.com/PTHHOY5IMy— Mloops (@MloopsBeauty) August 11, 2017
oh my god. How do I start an online petition to stop this? https://t.co/OpZLazt8ag— Sarah Jones (@srhjns) August 11, 2017
Amazon's prices eclipse your chances of seeing it
For all the solar-loving citizens out there who are planning to watch the eclipse without getting blind but haven’t picked up their glasses yet, Amazon might not be the best bet. According to Mashable, the price of eclipse glasses has tripled over the past two weeks.
The high prices on eclipse glasses like the "4-Pack Premium ISO and CE Certified Lunt Solar kid Size Eclipse Viewing Glasses," which look like glorified versions of the cardboard 3D glasses they give you at the movie theater, are likely to send price-conscious consumers into orbit.
Purchased through Amazon Prime, they cost only about $45, but if you prefer your eclipse glasses not on backorder, then last time we checked the marketplace they’ll cost you $199 from a third-party seller — but hey, the shipping is free.
This land may have been made for you and me, but its solar eclipses are mostly made for time-conscious Amazon Prime members and amateur astrologers with deep pockets