It's been another weird week in retail. Balenciaga released a T-shirt combo that makes reversibles look tame, Nike put fanny packs back on the map by attaching them to flip flops and Outdoor Voices tried to make a gym fashion statement with "exercise dresses."
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Balenciaga touts business in the front
First reported by BBC, the product is almost offensive in its blatant disregard for the rules of fashion (e.g. Don't wear a business shirt pinned to the front of … anything?), which is sadly not mitigated by Balenciaga's dedicated efforts to make the shirt look normal by pairing it with dark wash jeans.
The shirt only becomes more obnoxious the further into the product description you read. In addition to praising the "lightweight breathable poplin" of the shirt, Balenciaga points out that customers could wear this abomination of a clothing article in two different ways: "the short sleeves with front drape effect or the long sleeves shirt with back drape effect."
Or, here's a thought: We could pay $1,300 for a shirt that doesn't look like it's growing an extra pair of arms to support a being feeding off its customers' lifeforce.
This is the t-shirt equivalent of Kim K. visiting the Whitehouse to advise the president.— Laura Alvarez (@LJAlvz) May 31, 2018
Nike flip flops on fashion with fanny pack shoes
This week, according to Hypebeast, Nike's goal seems to be to make the tacky tackier by gearing up to release a pair of flip-flops with miniature fanny packs sewn onto the strap. Despite hours of mulling it over, we came up with just one use case for these shoes turned storage compartment: holding a very small amount of sunscreen while traversing the watery (and likely bacteria-laden) pathways of a water park.
Nike seems to think the product has more potential than that, though, because the shoes come in not one, not two, but three different colors, two of which are tragically 90s style, one of which is vibrantly goth and all of which are unacceptable outside of a fraternity house backyard.
Arguably the best piece of news here is that the shoes have not yet been released, allowing us to savor those few precious weeks before the dads of America become Nike's biggest customers.
finally a trend i can get behind— brin (@brindabani) May 30, 2018
Two questions:— Norm Kelly (@norm) May 30, 2018
1) Why did Nike put fanny packs on slides?
2) Do I need them? pic.twitter.com/2PePYVotMY
Tell me again how innovation is dead pic.twitter.com/SE3PuNEJUm— Mark Constantine (@vexmark) May 31, 2018
Outdoor Voices gets all dressed up for the gym
While we mock Nike's fanny pack sandals, a part of us recognizes that there's a market out there for this kind of not-exceptionally-fashionable fashion. The same can be said for Outdoor Voice's latest creation.
In a move that has us simultaneously shaking our heads and heading to the gym to test this out, Outdoor Voices released a line of exercise dresses that challenge just about every notion of comfort while working out. Sure, women have been known to wear skirts when they work out — almost exclusively when playing tennis and golf — but even the "leotard liner" on these dresses can't convince us to ditch our leggings and t-shirts for the next yoga class we go to.
Outdoor Voices also seems to recognize this is a hard sell based on this reassuring statement we found on the product page: "Yes — you can exercise in a dress." Featured activities include dancing, roller skating and lifting weights, according to the retailer, but somehow doing lunges with a dumbell just doesn't seem the same when you're carefully avoiding wrinkling your $98 dress.
We've been wrong before, though — like when some poor soul with too much money and not enough interests bought KFC's $20,000 chicken zinger meteorite. It's also worth noting: the black Outdoor Voices exercise dress is already sold out.
Woman sends $7K down the drain on Amazon TP order
There's a fine line between consciously spending thousands of dollars on overpriced items ($23,000 champagne bottle anyone?) and buying three packs of toilet paper only to be charged thousands of dollars by accident.
It's hard to say which is more of a waste of money, but at least when we spend exorbitant amounts of money on accident we expect a refund. So it was with Barbara Carroll, the victim of a $7,455 delivery charge on her Amazon toilet paper order, which is totally normal and definitely not Amazon's fault for allowing a third-party seller to charge that much on delivery.
According to USA Today, Carroll spent over two months heckling Amazon and the sketchy third-party seller to answer her complaint before she was finally reimbursed (let us recall: that was a $7,000 reimbursement she was waiting on, not just an impulse purchase she didn't like).
But whatever you do, don't say "Amazon doesn't have good customer service" three times or an incensed Jeff Bezos will hit you over the head with his personal copy of the company's leadership policies.