It’s been another weird week in retail.
Bare-chested shirts and sweaters will be hot this fall in menswear: Calvin Klein is selling a sleeves-only sweater and Asos has a see-through mesh T-shirt dress on its website. Meanwhile, fanny packs are back for men too — only this time they're designed with the perfect dad potbelly in mind.
This, and more, in this week’s Retail Therapy.
Calvin Klein plays it close to the (bare) chest
Have you ever wondered what a sweater would look like if you cut out the sleeves and haphazardly sewed them back together with a piece of translucent nylon? Calvin Klein has the answer, according to Buzzfeed — and for $1,650 that knowledge can be yours, too.
The "Multicolor Wool Cheerleader Sweater," which doesn’t have nearly as much school spirit as you’d expect it to, finally gives men the chance to flaunt their semi-exposed nipples to a public that will probably be too distracted by the design to notice. Pair this classic crewneck with black jeans, dark cowboy boots and a stony expression for a look that says "I’m just a robotic lifeform trying to pass as human" (Think Blade Runner).
For those who for some reason aren’t interested in paying more than $1,000 for a sweater that reveals over half of your torso and is sold out in every size but medium, we recommend finding a pair of scissors and your least-favorite sweater and laying them on a craft table for a horde of eager children to find.
And yet the product will likely sell well considering the brand's most ardent fans realize fashion comes at a price. After all, nothing comes between a Calvin Klein fan and their see-through, sleeveless sweater.
A mesh T-shirt for the bare-chested soul
The fashion industry has been pumping out a slew of gap-filled denim products over the last several weeks — from Forever 21’s shoulder-gap jacket to Asos’ plumber butt jeans — so it seems the demand for clothes that don’t fully cover your body has shifted over to the men’s department. And Calvin Klein isn’t the only one catching on to see-through men’s fashion.
Asos is jumping aboard the bare-chested train with its "Extreme Longline T-Shirt In Loose Mesh," Metro reports. The $35 product ($165 if you "buy the look") features "open mesh," "dropped shoulders" and a "sheer finish" in an "extreme-longline cut" that places it somewhere between a floor-length raincoat and that mesh tote bag you pick up at storefronts.
Whether you’re looking to show off your rock-solid abs, your attention-grabbing tattoos or whatever else your momma gave ya, feel confident that everything and anything you *don’t* wear will be visible. Really what this product does is grant men the clothing rights that women everywhere are fighting for.
Finally, someone is helping men #FreeTheNips.
I’ll make a dad bod out of you
In a week dominated by products that show more skin than usual, it’s good to know that someone in fashion still has a sense of humor — and modesty. That person is Albert Pukies and that product is the "DadBag."
Similar to the "Head Case" luggage cover, which lets you paste an oversized image of your face on your favorite suitcase, this "DadBag" fanny pack fulfills the dreams of everyone who ever wanted a dad bod and just didn’t have the calories for their own, BoredPanda reports. Coming in six different ‘colors,’ if you will — from hairy to sunburnt to flabby — the fanny pack gives men the freedom of choice they probably won’t have when the time comes for their real dad bod to kick in.
While the fanny pack isn’t for sale yet, Pukies is actively looking for someone to take the bait on a product that makes sporting a beer belly feel like a lifestyle. As he explains it, "I made the dadbag because I’m desperate to have a dad bod, but I’m also very concerned about the health risks associated with it. The solution is quite simple, a bumbag with a proper dad belly printed on it. Now I can put on a dad bod whenever I feel like it and even store my valuables in it."
Side effects may include: telling jokes that make your future kids cringe.
The 800-pound octopus in the clock display
For the luxury clock connoisseur in all of us, MB&F and L’Epée 1839 have released the “Octopod” clock — the best way to bring your fears about robots and eight-legged creatures together in exchange for your annual salary.
According to Hodinkee, the "Octopod" is one of many such creations by the two companies, all of which manage to take inspiration from some of the creepiest creatures on Earth and sell for prices that hurt to speak aloud. But what’s another $36,000 to a real clock lover, right? After all, KFC managed to sell that Chicken Zinger asteroid for $20,000.
Plus, the Octopod seems to have qualities that a Chicken Zinger asteroid could never possess — like possibly a conscience. In what feels like the description of a self-aware piece of technology, the companies state that the clock "stands or crouches thanks to its eight articulated legs." Oh good.
Just don’t come crawling back to us when your $36,000 investment turns against you.