It’s been another weird week in retail.
The shoe rack gave us three overpriced, not to mention uniquely designed, pairs of shoes; the denim department gave us three gapingly horrid products; and the NRA gave us a concealed weapon fashion show.
This, and more, in this week’s Retail Therapy.
A camel-toed walk to remember
We don’t always cover overpriced shoes, but when we do, we’re shocked by how many are out there. And designs released this week are worse than ever — making Jeremy Scott’s abominable flame Uggs look like a classic pair of boots.
In a move that will have the sidewalk begging for mercy, Nordstrom has started selling the $1,190 Gucci "Ilse Sock Sandal" — a deceptively tame name for a pair of shoes that manage to scream The Devil Wears Prada and Alien at the same time.
After looking into it further, we found out that what looks like the love child of an apparently only white prosthetic limb and a gel casing is actually "a streamlined take on the sock-with-sandals trend that highlights glossy finishes and luscious red leather." But of course.
The Gucci Sock Sandal: For the woman whose fluid protoplasm body must be poured into a semblance of human flesh.https://t.co/SLsuYfFyZS
— Alexander Freed (@AlexanderMFreed) March 17, 2017
Gucci's 'sock-sandal' shoe, perfect for rich people who don't walk, with skincolour of 1951 orthopedic stockings. pic.twitter.com/yx6Ea2uSem
— Kaz Cooke (@reallykazcooke) March 22, 2017
Do they only come in white flesh?
— Julianne Negri (@sisteroutlaws) March 22, 2017
This is a Gucci Sock Sandal. We don't sell them, but other stores do for $1,190. That would get you SO many pairs of shoes at our store! pic.twitter.com/mgYTPsndPh
— SolePerfection Shoes (@SolePerfections) August 24, 2017
The existence of these shoes can only be explained by what we might call an unfortunate trend: the hybrid shoe.
If you’re not feeling Meryl Streep meets Sigourney Weaver, why not do average school kid meets Joe Camel? Two new products from Need Supply Co. let you do just that with shoes that start out normal and then get a whole lot weirder the harder you look.
The $965 women’s Tabi Boot and the $985 men’s High Top Tabi (because if nothing else, this trend is gender-inclusive), let you kick off the confines of a fully closed-toe shoe and opt for a shoe that splits your toes apart to look like, well… a camel toe.
These shoes were made for walking, but really we're not sure what they’re for.
I didn't know until right now just how much I want a pair of high top tabi
— Max Alexander (@MaxTAlexander) September 25, 2016
there was an old woman who lived in a margiela tabi boot pic.twitter.com/zhwM6FqflS
— łłøyd (@carbonbasedqt) August 22, 2017
Something denim this way comes
The fashion gods have seen fit to send us fashion faux pas in threes this week.
While it’s hard to say which of these designs deserves to top our list, Reformation’s $148 "Zipper Jean," reported by Teen Vogue, makes a pitch that’s almost too convincing to pass. With a hint of truth, an edge of sass and a healthy dose of bad decision making, Reformation claims that "Being naked is the #1 most sustainable option — we’re #2."
We can only imagine that claim is based off of how quickly you can get your pants off with a zipper that runs "from front to back" and a non-existent waistband to boot.
Second on the list: Earning its third-straight week on Retail Therapy (congratulations, Asos), the brand released a pair of jeans that simulate a plumber's crack on anyone who wears them.
Reported by the Daily Mail, the "High Waisted Straight Leg Jeans with Open Back" make a strong case for adding "back cleavage" to the dictionary, but other than that they’re really just another ugly pair of jeans.
Last but not least: Forever 21’s "Open-Shoulder Denim Jacket," reported by Brit + Co, repurposes the shoulders into two gaping holes and calls it fashion. We can only imagine that it gives girls the opportunity to borrow their boyfriends’ sweaters while being able to claim that they technically did bring a jacket.
Jeanius.
If fashion could kill
This week, the NRA held a fashion show where clothing, hair and makeup were far from the main concern. Ditching high heels and ball gowns for T-shirts and flip flops, NRA models showed off products designed to conceal weapons, according to Quartz.
And really, when we think about it, it’s not hard to see why. Trying to figure out which holster to pair with yoga pants and a Disney World sweater sounds like a fashion dilemma we’re not likely to solve anytime soon.
Target mom goes old school on parents
Back-to-school can be a hard time for parents, what with buying school supplies and saying goodbye to spending quality time with your kids. But one mom has had enough of parents complaining about back-to-school purchases. In a viral rant from the aisles of a local Target, Dena Blizzard took adult education into her own hands, HuffPost reports.
"And my thing is, listen, it is the end of August. I will give you anything to take my kids," Blizzard said as she railed against parents who refuse to fulfill teacher’s supply requests. "I’ll get you a yellow binder, I’ll get you a red binder, I will tie-dye some s***."
Zing. School is back in session.