It's been another weird week in retail. Geoffrey the Giraffe might have a new line of work in the pipeline, a line of Stranger Things-inspired denim has pockets sewn on upside down and Taco Bell is tying the knot with wedding merchandise.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Geoffrey the Giraffe and the horrible, no good bankruptcy
There are some certainties in this ever-changing world. For example: college students know they will be asked to pay increasingly high prices to get an education, Jimmy Buffett knows it's always five o'clock somewhere and anyone in retail knows there's always someone at the bottom of the totem pole.
Lately, that retailer has been Toys R Us. Saddest of all of retail's fallen, the swift death of Toys R Us is made ever more tragic by the fact that it was a toy store. Discarded toys, empty shelves and a forgotten Geoffrey the Giraffe are left to fend for themselves in this harsh world.
Children everywhere must watch as the once-great mascot for consumerism is reduced to being a mere voice for giraffe conservation — a shadow of his former self. Does anything speak to the death of a retailer more than watching a brand mascot find a second life doing something for the social good? That is, when he's not issuing depressing pleas online for customers to "Promise us just this one thing: Don't ever grow up. Play on!"
There's a circle of hell out there for the forces that brought Geoffrey so low: crushing debt, parents with high standards and uninterested children.
Denim takes a trip to the upside down
Despite being out for over eight months, the Stranger Things hype has hardly died down since the show's second season brought back all the #JusticeforBarb sentimentalism.
In a move that will (hopefully) be less popular than Dustin's brontosaurus "thunder lizard" sweatshirt, CIE Denim has released upside down shorts in a tribute to the show that manages to be creative and terrible at the same time. The $385 jorts, reported on by Allure, come in the "Nancy" and the "El" — references to two of the show's very different main characters — although the only discernible difference in the jeans is how darkly washed they are.
Because shorts weren't enough, the company also released four pairs of jeans — the "Lucas," the "Mike," the "Will" and the "Maxine" — which in addition to being horrendous (and we say that in full knowledge of the fact that $290 "iridescent foil" jeans exist), feature belt-like ankle cuffs and upside-down calf pockets that are incapable of use.
As a natural result of their limited utility and generally unappealing aesthetic, each pair is $500.
Hey #Ladies, just in case you weren't frustrated by the lack of pockets in your #jeans/#shorts before: BEHOLD, THE UPSIDE DOWN JORTS! Where are you gonna keep anything? Who cares! They're *upside down*! https://t.co/pfZOasdLAz— Katherine aka Mercy (@QueenofAngmar) July 5, 2018
Taco Bell renews vows with wedding merch
Since we're used to ringing the bell for ceremonious celebrations, it's only fitting that the fast food chain with a bell in its name would offer to marry two taco-loving patrons until the love for different types of queso do us part.
Now, on the 1-year anniversary of the service, Taco Bell has announced more merchandise for newly weds on which to squander their already thin paychecks, according to Marketing Dive. Lucky for them, the merchandise is about as cheap as their friends will think they are when they see them passing over the handwritten vows and branding their wedding as a "Live Mas" event.
The whole collection — champagne glass set, Mr. and Mrs. T-shirts, "sauce packet bowtie" and "sauce packet garter" — will cost the happy couple just $90, which lends credence to what luxury retailers like Tiffany have been trying to tell us since November: Don't trust anything that isn't at least 10 times as expensive as it should be.
What's a $20 sauce packet bowtie compared to a $275 pencil sharpener? Say "I do" to higher prices, Taco Bell — that's when the real fans will tie the knot.
One year and 60 weddings later, we've upgraded our Vegas chapel to make celebrations even bigger and better. pic.twitter.com/B2RrTUJXSr— Taco Bell (@tacobell) July 2, 2018
My biggest failure in life thus far was being unable to convince my fiancée this is a good idea.— Jack Albert (@JackJacksMind) July 3, 2018
Not the first time I’ve thought about getting married at taco bell— Raha???? (@RahaMehrkish) July 3, 2018
Twitter cares about politics. Do u?
A celebrity makes one fashion mishap and suddenly people are roasting them on Twitter, creating parodies of their clothing and trying to profit off their mistakes.
Most recently it was Melania Trump, courtesy of the Zara jacket she wore that said, "I really don't care, do u?" after visiting detained immigrant children. Per Teen Vogue, the original Zara jacket is now being sold for close to $1,000 because nothing says "I care about politics" quite like overpaying for a $39 jacket (or boycotting Walmart because a third-party seller wants to impeach Trump).
It wasn't all questionable capitalism, though. The jacket also inspired a WildFang recreation, which gave 100% of profits to charity, and has already sold out, according to Teen Vogue. The jacket sported a deceptively similar slogan: "I really care, don't u?" proving that it doesn't take creative genius to run a successful counter campaign.
We really don't care about fashion, though. Do you?
To say you’ve blown us all away is an understatement. When we decided to do this we thought we’d maybe sell a few jackets and raise a little money but now you’ve raised TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for @raicestexas. Despite what Melania thinks, people really do care. pic.twitter.com/ihHvXcY2Pc— WILDFANG (@wearewildfang) June 24, 2018