Retail Therapy: Give me your tired, your poor and your pilgrim-themed dresses
This ultra-conservative dress not only looks like it belongs on the decks of the Mayflower, but it’ll also cost you more than a ticket on that boat would have.
It’s been another weird week in retail.
Creatures of Comfort is selling a dress that looks an awful lot like it belongs to a lost pilgrim, an Airbnb user is renting out Donald Trump’s childhood bed and the last Blockbuster standing is probably spending more time tweeting than checking out rentals.
This, and more, in this week’s Retail Therapy.
Modeling the Mayflower
Some say timing is everything, but that statement rings especially true for fashion trends. Leg warmers were best-served in the 80’s, platform flip-flops in the 90’s and this dress in the 1600’s.
In a move that probably has colonial Williamsburg employees wondering who stole their wardrobe, Creatures of Comfort began selling the Sequoia Dress Weathercloth, which looks more like it belongs to Mary Rowlandson than anyone from this century, TeenVogue reports. While Sequoia Dress Weathercloth sounds like the title you’d receive from a "what colonial dress are you?" quiz, the real problem is that this latest fashion disaster is on the market for $450.
Until now, we thought only designer denim got away with selling ugly clothes for ridiculous prices (of the double waistband, double denim, detachable and dirty variety) but Creatures of Comfort wants in on the action and darn it if they won’t blow all other ugly retail trends out of the water (although the more-reasonably priced Ta Ta Towel is really giving it a run for its money).
This "Japanese weathercloth" dress made "with a crisp, cool hand" isn’t confined to army green either. It can be yours in black, navy, a black and white checker-like pattern and another color that we really don’t have a name for (though we like to think Mayflower Mauve and Colonial Cornflower are on the docket for the next iteration).
Despite its flaws, the dress does seem perfectly suited for a colonial-themed comic con, but really we’d recommend you try buying from the Amish first.
$450 to look like i just stepped off the Mayflower??? i think tf not https://t.co/D2QKg7Kbic— rose colored boy (@PASTELKREEPA) August 2, 2017
The Amish Fall collection is here— Americas Ghostwriter (@vashexplainsit) August 3, 2017
Isn't it the thing all the most exclusive cultists are wearing this year?— KingOfPies (@RegalPastry) August 3, 2017
hell yeah my oregon trail cosplay is going to kick ass— pav ☭ (@MissPavIichenko) August 3, 2017
A midsummer covfefe’s dream
The retail industry has been graced with a variety of Donald Trump-inspired products lately. From last year’s Tax Evasion Drumpf Halloween masks to his campaign’s subscription Big League Box and of course, the recently popular MAGA swimsuit. Even so, many would say there’s a difference between wearing your idols and… sleeping with them.
That’s right, folks — for $725 a night, you too can sleep in the President's childhood bed, Mashable reports. Airbnb is now listing the Jamaica Estates house on its site and — with a whopping 16 beds — it seems unlikely that you will ever find a better place to meet up with your 20 closest Trump supporters. That being said, super-fans looking to get down at the Donald’s old digs had best be warned: according to the house rules, there will be "no parties or events."
We’re not sure what else there really is to do at the childhood home, but according to the listing, "there is a giant cutout of Donald in the Living Room" and he is "a great companion for watching the news late into the night." Since there are no pets allowed either (which really shouldn’t surprise us, considering he is the only president not to own one), we imagine the main purpose of booking his house is to bask in the "opulent furnishings" and "affluence in which the Trumps would have lived."
So the next time you want a reminder of how Trump lived before he was president, send your paycheck to Queens, New York and sleep in his old bed (unfortunately, we found no trace of an alarm clock that shouts controversial comments at you).
One Blockbuster to save them all
Hear ye, hear ye — calling all loyal blockbuster fans who fondly recall long walks through the comedy aisle and the unparalleled joy of finally settling on a movie and a $5 candy bar — the self-proclaimed "Last Blockbuster" has a Twitter handle it really wants you to see.
The Twitter account sprung to life last year and sparked the interest of the Daily Dot, who interviewed the founders about why they chose to open a Twitter account and what — aside from a hefty following — they hoped to gain from it.
"It’s no secret we haven’t been doing so well in recent years (one remaining store). Since the advent of the internet, streaming services have taken a sizeable portion of our customer base. But instead of lying down, we dug into research and found the problem wasn’t the internet, it was that we lost touch with our consumers. This account was created to get face-to-face with them and build a personal relationship for a better Blockbuster future," they responded. "And to contact people who owe us late fees."
Tweets range from the self-deprecating to the darkly humorous and even to hyper-local tweets about store employees, but mainly they’re self-deprecating.
Asking us why we don't have Blu Rays is like asking a homeless person why they don't have a MacBook Pro.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) August 6, 2017
We love your replies but unfortunately replies don't pay the rent.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) July 19, 2017
A lot of "outdated" things are fun like disco or owning a bird.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) June 22, 2017
Just because we have mousetraps around the store doesn't mean we have a rat problem.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) June 19, 2017
For decades people have said our business model will be our downfall and you know what? We have to commend them on their spot on analysis.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) June 7, 2017
Movie Gallery is a great alternative to Blockbuster if you dislike customer service and a great selection but enjoy super high prices.— The Last Blockbuster (@loneblockbuster) May 19, 2017
Fifty sounds of Ikea
If a picture’s worth a thousand words, then Ikea’s betting millions on sound. In its latest campaign, "Oddly Ikea," the retailer spends 25 minutes walking viewers through an Ikea-stocked dorm room while encouraging viewers to listen to the soothing sounds its products make, Adweek reports.
The woman speaks in barely more than a whisper and follows a script that sounds a lot more like the listeners are on hard drugs than shopping for back-to-school furniture. Not only does she ask the audience to "listen as we explore the thread count of the fitted sheet," claiming you can "hear each thread," but her commentary several times seems to verge on the erotic.
Exhibit A: "Listen to the densely-woven threads go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth."
But Ikea’s not the only one trying to score big on sound with a slightly more than out-of-the-box idea. This week, Audible announced a partnership with "Dog Whisperer" Cesar Milan for a series called "Audible for Dogs," according to Adweek.
"Dogs are social animals, so they need to engage with someone, and the purpose of Audible for Dogs is to make dogs feel there is someone with them," Millan said in a statement.
Perhaps appropriately, dog-focused literature makes up a good portion of the content, with "A Dog’s Purpose," "Soldier Dogs" and "The Art of Racing in the Rain" on the list.
Hey — no one ever sad a man’s best friend couldn’t also share his reading habits.
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