It’s been another weird week in retail.
Asos is doubling down on denim with a new pearl-studded jean skort, Hermès is banking on the rich hipster market to drop $3,000 for a skateboard and Supreme is selling a paperweight full of what looks an awful lot like $100 bills.
This, and more, in this week’s Retail Therapy.
Asos goes double or nothing on denim
Fashion columnists might say they don’t pick favorites, but it’s hard not to when the same brands keep churning out content. This week, one of our favorite fashion subcategories (denim that has gone too far) meets one of our favorite brand categories (Asos products that have gone too far).
Unfortunately for those still scarred by Asos’ recent accessory debacles — including, but not limited to: sunglasses that double as hoop earrings and poop emoji handbags — the brand’s creativity seems to have spilled over into denim, Metro reports. The new product, "Liquor N Poker Denim Skirt over Jeans with Pearl Detail," is nothing more and nothing less than a $67 denim skirt that Asos felt needed "faux-pearl embellishment" and a pair of jeans under it.
It’s natural to wonder what could possibly compare to these jeans, but there’s actually a good deal of competition in the double denim niche. From the double denim dress to the double waistband jeans, denim just can’t seem to let the Canadian tuxedo go.
For a look that screams "I have no wardrobe variety," follow the model’s lead and wear your denim skort jeans with your favorite denim jacket. Just make sure to avoid open storefronts so passersby don’t mistake you for a denim-exclusive sales rack.
$3,000 skateboards are rolling into a Hermès near you
If the average American commute costs $2,600 and 26 minutes, then why not pay an extra $300 for a luxury skateboard that doubles as a piece of art and spend an hour getting to work instead? Or at least that’s what we imagine Hermès was thinking when it created this newest line of skateboards.
Retailing for more than the average college student makes in a year, these nearly $3,000 pieces of wood are part of an exclusive line designed by Henri d’Origny and for sale starting in September, Highsnobiety reports. With design names that match the price tag ("Bouclerie Modern," "Cavalcadour" and "Sangles en zigzag"), the boards are reportedly museum-worthy, with Highsnobiety calling them "a form of art comprised of high quality materials."
Those high quality materials are "light beech wood with a noble maple veneer." Maybe we’re being too hard on the skateboard market, but if a beechwood shelf is $10.48 at Home Depot, then fans might want to take Ikea’s Game of Thrones advice instead and invest in a DIY project that won’t cost you the next down payment on your car.
After all, they say the road to broke skateboard fanatics is paved with good-intentioned luxury designers.
Don’t let Supreme’s new product weigh you down
The brief stint in which Supreme products actually sold for their value — think $4 tshirts at Kmart — has sadly come to an end. The streetstyle retailer is back to its usual fare: overpriced commodities that serve little to no discernible purpose.
In a move that could finally overtake the coveted $30 Supreme bricks, the brand has plans to sell paperweights that double as $100-bills "encased in lucite," Buzzfeed reports. The product, which is set for their Fall/Winter 2017 collection, remains shrouded in mystery: the product description gives no information on how much the paperweight costs, how fast it will sell out or how to stop customers from breaking open the product to get at the likely fake stack of cash.
If Prada can sell a $185 paperclip and Balenciaga can sell out of a $1,100 shopping bag, then Supreme’s paperweight seems destined to make waves when it’s released this fall. Whether that will be because the product sold out in record time or because a record number of customers went to the hospital with "lucite" in their eye is another question.
If you’re not sure about the paperweight, but still need something to keep your important documents from flying off the desk, just use the weight of all the social media scorn this product has so far generated.
"What can we scam the world with next?"— FLEZZ (@FLEZZOFFICIAL) August 15, 2017
because hypebeast kids will buy anything— KIBSTA (@ninjakibs) August 18, 2017
Break when broke— /// (@mdsyfxq) August 18, 2017
My watch will not end... until Halloween does
Although the Northmen of Westeros don’t seem to recognize the approach of any season but winter, the Earthbound fans that make up its fan base are already laser-focused on fall — and with it, Halloween.
The "Sexy Northern Queen Costume," discovered by Huffpost, recently began selling for $150 on Yandy.com. The online retailer must have thought it could swindle much more out of die-hard Game of Thrones fans than out of the Harry Potter fans it catered to with magical $42 lingerie a couple weeks ago.
Stoutly ignoring the fact that the costume covers less than a one-piece bathing suit, Yandy.com claims wearers will be "prepared for winter," despite the fact that they’d only need it in October. The costume features a "high neckline, gold stud accents, a cut-out bodice panel, draping panels with studded accents, an adjustable waist belt with a bronze buckle, a cheeky cut back and a long black cloak with a faux fur trim and a criss-cross tie closure," so wearers can look like Jon Snow — just scantily-clad and decidedly more female.
There’s a lot to be said for a franchise that can make money off of female costumes for male characters, but we have our doubts about how well this outfit would hold up against anyone but Sam Tarly.