It's been another weird week in retail. Dyson created a $500 gold-laced hair dryer, Balenciaga is back at it with a seven-layer jacket and Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop brand has its sights set on the furniture industry next.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
One hair dryer for the price of five
Rich people hair deserves rich people hair dryers. At least that's how we imagine the conversation going when someone recommended Dyson sell a gold-laced hair dryer that costs more than one of its vacuums.
We realize that "more than one of its vacuums" is a vague metric, as there are many different varieties of the Dyson vacuum (one of the expectations of being a vacuum seller), so let's be clear here: the "Dyson Supersonic hair dryer in 23.75k gold" is $499.99 worth of dryer. And yes, that is its only function.
Disappointingly, Vox reports that Dyson's $400 version (for the peasants who can't afford to paint every object they own in liquid gold) is "wildly popular." This is especially surprising given that the only endorsement the company really gives for either version is: "Fastest digital motor. Designed for fast drying."
Redundancy aside, the most interesting thing on the product page is the field of stats that surround product images, giving the hallowed hair dryer a spot not inconsistent with that of a famous boxer before facing off against a bitter rival.
Power: 1600AW. Air flow: 41 I/s. Knock out move: Wallet drain.
Shut up and take my money! Dyson goes gold-plated.— Jessica Naziri (@jessicanaziri) August 30, 2018
If the original $400 Dyson hairdryer wasn’t luxurious enough, the company is back with a $500 23.75-karat-gold-plated version. #supersonic pic.twitter.com/hPvFA514cL
FINALLY! I've always needed a gold-plated 23.75 karat Dyson hairdryer. My life is complete at last. https://t.co/SQDRGgTDsh— Melody Chalaban (@melodychalaban) August 30, 2018
Balenciaga layers up with $9K jacket
Everyone goes a little bit overboard sometimes — like Melania Trump planting a tree in a designer skirt and heels or Michael Cohen selling a Birkin bag for $30,000 and avoiding taxes for it — but there's something about a $9,000 jacket, composed of seven separate jackets, that tops the list.
Either because Balenciaga hates fashion or loves chaos, the brand released just such a product, aptly named the "Balenciaga Layered Oversized Parka." As luck would have it, Teen Vogue reports the jacket is one-size-fits-all, meaning everyone in the family can share the same coat this winter so they don't have to live off of food stamps after spending several months' worth of their salary on a jacket that says way more "I live out of my van" than "I buy from Spanish fashion houses."
If nothing else, the jacket is infinitely more entertaining than similar bad fashion efforts from the likes of Fruit Loops (who else wants to make a joke about the $156 Toucan Sam Bomber Jacket being fly?) and every celebrity that has entered the public's conscious this year. And hey, at least if you're wearing seven jackets in one, you're probably not wearing jeans made out of shrimp shell fibers.
Then again, we've been wrong before. The real question is which product is more worth $9,000: Balenciaga's 7-layer jacket or Tiffany's yarn ball?
I think I could duplicate this look at the thrift store for $8— Stephen (@steve_scifi) August 29, 2018
It's such a cold world in retail you gotta layer up!— Lillian Rizzo (@Lilliannnn) August 29, 2018
Just another Goop-y furniture line
Celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop brand has expanded beyond its humble beginnings as an email newsletter to include a beauty line, fashion brand and now a furniture line, according to Curbed — ostensibly for no other reason than because it could.
We see this collection as an invitation to be even more like Paltrow. Except, instead of receiving her good looks, luxurious lifestyle or the capability to act beside Robert Downey Jr., consumers are blessed with the opportunity to pay $2,000 for a "Curvo pink velvet sofa" for those late afternoon naps while the maid is cleaning the house.
True fans, though, will shell out significantly more ($3,299) for a "Gwyneth boucle chair" signed by the actress herself — a solid $2,400 more than the unsigned version. But, lest we start to think that Paltrow is a celebrity with more money to spend than the rest of us, she points out that this collection was made for the little moments all of us know and love: a world "filled with kids, dogs, friends, my fella and dinners."
We were disappointed to learn that dogs were not included with any of the furniture on display and that purchasers must actually find their own kids, dogs, friends, fellas and dinners in order to perfect this lifestyle.
ah i have always wanted a Goop chaise https://t.co/jQb4RcGJoP— Andrew Giambrone (@AndrewGiambrone) August 30, 2018
KFC puts an $11K price tag on babies
In a move that is simultaneously disturbing and unsurprising, KFC announced it would be giving $11,000 on Sept. 9th to whichever new parents name their child "Harland" first.
As Marketing Dive reports, the strange campaign, aside from being frankly sadistic (a child named Harland? In 2018?), was launched in celebration of Colonel Sanders' 128th birthday, and promises $11,000 toward a college education for whichever child "wins" — win is being used loosely here considering that all the child has to do is let itself be born.
The concept itself is nothing compared to the marketing material associated with it, which features a baby's face frighteningly superimposed with the colonel's features. And that, too, pales in comparison to the chill that spreads across our skin at the thought that someone, somewhere, will probably take KFC up on this offer.
We understand that weird marketing tactics get attention, but why can't KFC be a little more like Ikea? You can't complain about old women drinking tea.
It’s a great name for your baby. Just say it out loud. Harland. Plus, your greatly named kid could get $11,000 for college.— KFC (@kfc) August 29, 2018
@kfc How much can I get for a cat?— Mıκε Gαяяεтт (@THEMikeGarrett) August 30, 2018
Why can’t they buy naming rights to a sporting arena like everyone else?— Drema Levenson (@Hey_Drema) August 30, 2018
my Harland was genuinely named after colonel sanders. i’m not trying to finagle my way into $11,000 or anything but my Harland does love your mac and cheese so maybe you should hook him up. his birthday is in september too so it’d be like a present from his namesake— Christopher W.M. (@cwmbooks) August 30, 2018