Retail Therapy: Holiday gifts you won't want to unwrap
Holiday shopping can often be stressful, so why not give it up altogether and buy a $42 bundle of sticks for everyone on your list?
It's been another weird week in retail. And the promise of millions of shoppers heading into malls or booting up their laptops has only made retailers weirder.
For those who may have indulged a little too hard during last week's holiday and didn't get a chance to get the shopping done, don't worry. From a bundle of sticks to an $800 candle, we've compiled a list of the best (read: worst) gifts for everyone on your list.
Pentatonix jackets that hit just the wrong tune
The Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting on Thursday evening marked the unofficial start to the season for many folks. Among performers were Tony Bennett, Kellie Pickler and Diana Ross. But it was Pentatonix that truly stole the show. And we're not talking about their vocal performance. Kirstin Maldonado wore what can only be described as a sleeveless sleeping bag ($2,710 for the curious). Whether it's a dress or a coat is still up for debate, but no one would have been surprised if children ran out from under her skirts in true Mother Ginger fashion.
I think she’ll float with that dress! ???? Pentatonix at Rockefeller pic.twitter.com/jojxV7LuH5— Shizelle (@Zelle1) November 29, 2018
But the good thing about being in a band is there's likely someone else who makes whatever you're wearing look normal. Mitch Grassi nearly fulfilled that role with a loud Marc Jacobs metallic trench coat (for a cool $326). If you're ballin' on a budget this holiday season, though, wrap a black garbage bag around yourself and cut holes in it to achieve the same effect.
For the one who loves #nature, but doesn't actually love nature
Everyone has that one friend who claims they want to do "Wild" but would never actually venture anywhere short of cell service. Call their bluff this holiday season by giving them a literal tree branch. Anthropologie can help bring the outdoors inside with a Decorative Birch Branch for a mere $24, which takes out the trouble of dragging a stick in from the backyard and only costs shoppers the dignity of paying for a readily-available piece of nature.
Not only will the stick add a (very quiet) whisper of nature to the living room, but the increased Instagram aesthetic is an added bonus. If Anthropologie's branch suddenly becomes unavailable, as its $42 bundle of sticks did, fear not. Amazon's Alexa has the answer, thanks to a teamup with Big Mouth Billy Bass ($39.99). You know, the one that's usually hanging from the walls of a wood-panel covered basement?
The dancing fish mount not only responds to Alexa voice commands, but will lip-sync those responses to you. Amazon, what did we do to deserve this?
For those eating their way to Christmas
What better way to show off what really matters to you this holiday season than by wearing it proudly across your chest? Avid readers of this column will remember us writing about Taco Bell's Friendsgiving-themed sweaters. Well, the fast food company is at it again. Unfortunately, the sauce packet-themed onesie ($78), taco-trimmed tree Christmas sweater ($59) and the sauce packet pajama pants ($40) have all sold out, along with even more cringe-worthy items, like the burrito wrap blanket ($40). And why wouldn't they?
But maybe the phrase "Hi, welcome to Chili's" is the sweet, sweet melody that soothes your soul. If so, you're in luck because on Cyber Monday, Chili's released a set of limited-time items, ranging from a jacket that reads "Skillet Queso" to a T-shirt that says "I feel God in this Chili's Tonight."
Is it strange that somewhere, someone feels closest to a higher power while eating at a chain restaurant? That's a question for later. For now, go ahead. Be the Pam Beesly of your office.
Up, up and away from good fashion
For that one relative that claims the "wanderlust" life and still complains about mom telling them to save their money, give them something to fuel the obsession.
Say goodbye to walking off a plane with flat hair. This portable salon hair dryer attachment is exactly what we all need after that 5-hour flight (and maybe a couple Aspirin from the toddler who screamed the entire time). Sure, it might make you look like Marshmello, but that's just the price we have to pay for salon-level haircare.
This scarf from Herschel Supply Co. also takes a top spot on our list. Not only will it keep you warm when your neighbor's air vent mysteriously blows directly onto you, but it will also double as a convenient floatation device if the plane takes a turn for the worst. Though we should point out this is not an actual floatation device and using it as one could lead to some severely unpleasant results.
And if all else fails…
Show your loved one how much they truly mean to you by spending an absurd amount of money on an everyday household item. Like this $790 Gucci candle. And for those shrinking back from the high price tag, think of it this way: The candle burns for about 60 hours, meaning that's just over $13 per hour — a steal!