It's been another weird week in retail. Neiman Marcus will cater your Thanksgiving dinner for a mere $371.25 (not including pie), the Butterball "Turkey Talk Line" we all know and love teamed up with Amazon Alexa and Taco Bell adds some unexpected spice to our holiday meals and wardrobes.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Rich people are #blessed to have Neiman Marcus
Thanksgiving is full of football, turkey trots (for the athletic folk), and usually the warm, wafting scent of baking. But thanks to Neiman Marcus, we can once again cross "homemade" and "wholesome" off our agendas because why spend time making a meal with family when you can buy one instead?
Yes, the Neiman Marcus Thanksgiving dinner is back, and this year, it's $32 cheaper either because Neiman Marcus finally felt bad about gouging consumers or (more likely) the company realized that people actually enjoy making their own meals for the holidays.
Regardless, the "Kevin Garvin Whole Turkey Meal" (now on sale for an astonishing $371.25) does include a lot of things you need for Thanksgiving, including: turkey, gravy and sausage stuffing (as well as a lot of things you don't), but you won't find pie on the list. And why would you, when Neiman Marcus can create a pie package instead and charge an additional $180 for that?
No dinner would be complete without the setting, though — and thankfully, Neiman Marcus offers a full set of Thanksgiving-themed platters for shoppers to stock up on, replete with pheasants and squash, that manage to say both "autumnal" and "I spent a lot of money" at the same time.
Anticipating that families will fill up on overpriced food, wash their overpriced dishes and then sit down to look for more overpriced items, Neiman Marcus also has its annual Christmas Book out, which features — among other things — a $475 sock advent calendar (as in: socks, for your feet), a $98 snow globe, a $658 skateboard and a series of six watches that all cost more than $13,000.
For the type of consumer that laughs at such a miniscule level of spending, may we recommend the Dolce & Gabbana $850 toaster, which pairs beautifully with the Dolce & Gabbana $850 blender. We're all thankful for consumerism, after all.
'Alexa, ask Butterball how to save Thanksgiving'
With America's biggest food holiday less than a week away, many are preparing to ensure the feast is a positive experience to remember. For those of you who are first-time hosts, don't fret. We can't all be Ina Gartens after all. But thanks to Butterball, we don't have to be. The company's "Turkey Talk Line" is celebrating its 37th year helping Americans tackle the turkey (not literally, we hope).
But this year, Butterball is teaming up with Amazon Alexa products to allow users to solicit hands-free advice. That's right. Long gone are the days where you'd have to pick up a phone with one hand to call the hotline, with the other hand halfway up the turkey's you-know-what.
And while Butterball experts can't prevent your drunk uncle from (loudly) sharing his political views at the Thanksgiving table, they can help make sure your turkey comes out as moist as possible.
Leave it to Taco Bell to spice up your holiday dinner table
If gathering around the table with your friends before going home for the holidays, you might consider diverting from the traditional mashed potatoes and stuffing this year.
Taco Bell released its sixth annual Friendsgiving menu, which features items like a "Rice and Beans" cocktail, which is horchata (the rice) with vodka and coffee ice cubes (the beans), as well as "Sauce Packet Seasoned Root Vegetable Purees," which are carrots, garnet yams, red kuri squash and parsnips slow roasted with chilies and spices. And as for the turkey? Taco Bell threw that bird all the way out the window and replaced it with "Taco Bell Fire Tortilla Chip Crusted Chicken."
Can it really be Thanksgiving without the meal (commonly accepted as the main reason anyone celebrates Thanksgiving)? Taco Bell would argue yes, but the food chain is also offering an option for shoppers preferring to stick to a more classic cuisine. The company teamed up with online retailer Tipsy Elves to launch an array of Friendsgiving-inspired sweaters ($59). Is it a turkey disguised as a taco or a taco disguised as a turkey? Who cares, it'll do a great job reminding your family that you'd rather be at a fast food restaurant than at dinner.
Barneys New York zips up bad fashion
Thanksgiving means cold weather, which means jackets, which means luxury brands taking a perfectly good coat, turning it into a zippered blanket and charging over $2,000 for it.
The culprit? Barneys of New York, which is selling a "Zip-Sleeve Down Puffer Jacket" for $2,415, because why get a functional coat when you can buy one with an impractical design and zippers up the sleeves? We've obviously missed the point, though, because the product details explain that this isn't bad fashion, it's an "experimental approach to volume and proportion." It's merely a coincidence that the experimental approach leaves the model looking like Big Hero 6.
For a look that's cheaper but equally bizarre, pair Universal Standard's $230 Kanda Puffer (described as an "elongated cocoon" with a "side tie" which serves little purpose) with a classic nose warmer which, according to Insider, sells for around $12. They're like gloves for your nose, but they have the added benefit of making shoppers look like a bird covering its beak with a surgical mask.
Winter is coming — and it's bringing bad fashion with it.
Thinkin about how one time my exbf got me a nose warmer bc my nose was always cold & honestly it WORKED & I wish I knew where it was bc it’s nose-chillingly cold again— chai mithai (@dharnasaur) November 15, 2018