It's been another weird week in retail. If you and your BFF decide to purchase one-way tickets out of the country you are going to need some products to get you by, a new blanket promises a superior night's sleep and a New York company made a pair of Holy Water shoes.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Get Outta Dodge
Not only has it been a curious week in retail, it's also been bizarre few days on the international political stage, too. Rather than focusing on a single product or retailer to start, we would like to humbly present a Get Outta Dodge kit.
What's a Get Outta Dodge kit, you ask? Well, say that you and your friend are a couple of attorneys innocently going on an impromptu global romp. Because you are just spontaneous like that. And you just happen to be friends with a certain Rudolph Giuliani. And you may have possibly been suspected of funneling foreign funds to U.S. politicians. You are going to need some products to support those life decisions, including:
- File folders that say "top secret" in big letters on the front. Just like Cousin Greg on Succession you, too, will be able to keep track of nefarious acts by labeling them properly. Better yet, these folders come from National Law Enforcement Supply — a company that, since 1985, has been selling products to those in the Law Enforcement workforce. Top Secret File Folder 5-Pack: $10.00
- Every innocent man needs a disguise. Everybody knows that. Turns out that October is the perfect month to get your hands on a fake mustache. "Yearning for some facial hair but your job doesn't allow it? Or it's the wrong color?" the product description on Amazon asks. It does not, unfortunately, spell out if it is a good mustache if you are on the lam. But, judging from one four-star customer review, it can also make you look like a real guy. Forum Novelties Men's Theatrical Disguise Human Hair '60s Mustache: $9.99
- While on the run you may want to have your car / house / safe keys close at hand. What better product to remind you of your devotion to your friends than through this BFF unicorn pack of keychains? One for you, one for your bestie at your side, and one for the attorney for the President of the United States. It serves as a reminder that best friends always stick together. And never take a deal and flip the other two. Best Friends Forever Fuzzy Unicorn Keychains 3 Pack: $3.99
Note that the effectiveness of said kit is not guaranteed. Just like Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas, you may be detained at Dulles International Airport outside of Washington, D.C. on a flight to Frankfurt, Germany. Which, come on, they were headed to a late Oktoberfest, right?
First there was the Snuggie. Then weighted blankets were all the rage. Now, it's the Sleep Pod.
The Sleep Pod, by Hatch Sleep, looks like a cross between a onesie and a blanket. The stretch material provides pressure and the "feeling of being hugged" while you are sleeping in order to alleviate anxiety. The product claims to reduce cortisol levels, thereby lowering stress.
Retail Therapy is typically a venue in which we slam ridiculous products. But, we are 100% here for this. Maybe it's because some of us were '80s babies who grew up with Glow Worms — a doll in the shape of a bug that looks like it is wearing a sleeping bag (adding proof to the argument that the entire decade was inspired by a collective fever dream). But, the Sleep Pod makes intuitive sense. Yes, we are grown ups. And, yes, we want to be swaddled. Make all the jokes you want — our well-rested bodies will be able to brush off those insults.
In case you were wondering if this week could get any more blasphemous — hold my communion wine. Of course it can.
New York-based creative arts company, MSCHF, took a pair of Nike Air Max 97s and redid the sole to add 60ccs of Holy Water sourced from the River Jordan. The sneakers were listed for $1,425 and sold out within one minute of their release, according to CBS News. The buyer then went on the website StockX and is now selling the shoes for around $4,000.
This was clearly a missed opportunity to partner with Kanye West, who already has a line of Yeezy sneakers and encountered controversy this year with his "Sunday Services" merchandise that sported things like $225 "Holy Spirit" sweatshirts.
MSCHF told CBS News that, "We asked ourselves, 'What would a shoe collab with Jesus look like?'"
Jesus would have clothed the poor rather than listed them for sale on a website. Or, he would have at least made a pair for each of his 12 closest friends.