It's been another weird week in retail. Starbucks released another ridiculous drink, Pablo Escobar's brother turned up the heat with Elon Musk and Disney recalled a "Toy Story 4" product.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Starbucks unveils its newest Instagram-able drink, baristas everywhere collectively sigh
The coffee giant this week tempted its Instagram-obsessed customers yet again with its latest concoction: a Tie-Dye Frappuccino.
The blended frozen beverage is made using tropical Crème Frappuccino with bright colors swirled in made from red beet, turmeric and spirulina, the company said. And while Starbucks didn't explicitly indicate what the beverage should taste like, many customers reported the drink having an artificial banana taste, which by our measures, is the absolute worst artificial fruit flavor available.
But even further than the taste of this disaster drink is the unrealistic marketing for it. The beautiful swirls of blues, greens and yellows Starbucks shared in its announcement are nowhere to be seen IRL, according to customers.
ok so i got the tie dye frap at starbucks and it's supposed to look like this (left) but i got it like this (right) and it tastes like actual trash lmaoo just don't waste ur money kids pic.twitter.com/TGudam3Rto— ???? ♡ (@imaaaaaagine) July 10, 2019
But before you give baristas a piece of your mind, remember that creating this dumb drink basically sets them up for failure. You know those watercolor paint sets kids use in art class that ultimately become a palate of brown after the first use? Well this is essentially the same thing. We can't tell you what to do, but you'd be doing your community a service by not ordering this beverage. Instagram will survive.
literally everyone tomorrow: omg can i try the tie dye frappuccino??— cryst ???? (@Witty1ove) July 10, 2019
every starbucks barista: sure! pic.twitter.com/ngE4efvFdY
And let's take a look at those nutrition facts, shall we? The American Heart Association advises women to consume no more than 25g of sugar a day, men no more than 36g and children no more than 25g. Every single size of this drink exceeds that: Tall (39g), Grande (58g) and Venti (75g).
Because the only thing a group of already amped up tweens needs is more sugar. Starbucks, do you hate your employees?
Elon Musk gets burned
The brother of Pablo Escobar, you know, the drug lord whose cartel was responsible for supplying about 80% of the world’s cocaine by the end of the 1980s, has created a "flamethrower," which is essentially a hybrid between a propane torch and a super soaker. But this isn't your run-of-the-mill flamethrowing product. He said it can be used for "lighting your grill at home." I wish we were making this up.
"I want the people to be able to burn money, like me and Pablo used to do. I burned probably a couple of billion dollars over the years. Literally burning the money. For many reasons. The Escobar Inc Flamethrower will sell out very fast," Roberto De Jesus Escobar Gaviria said. Makes sense that they literally burned cash considering Escobar’s cartel was bringing in nearly $22 billion a year, according to The Independent.
Daniel Reitberg, the company's COO added that it's "pretty amazing to see how you can turn something like a lighter, into a much more interesting product, by designing something so awesome that people want to have, like the Escobar Flamethrower!"
The company is selling the flamethrowers for $249 a piece, but really, who can put a price on the pure joy (and terror) your barbecue guests will experience when you light up the old Weber with this bad boy?
And what could possibly make this situation any better? The fact that Escobar is considering suing Elon Musk for stealing his idea. In early 2018, Musk released a very similar "flamethrower" dubbed, "The Boring Company Not a Flamethrower," which sold for $500, and sold out in days.
It's Not a Flamethrower, Mr Escobar https://t.co/TXH02nixIc— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) July 11, 2019
According to TMZ, Escobar said that one of Musk's engineers stole the idea when he visited the family compound in mid-2017. And while we may never know the truth (or care for that matter) seeing Elon Musk get in a Twitter spat with a former drug lord's brother is our favorite kind of entertainment. Pass the popcorn this way, please.
Getting sued by Pablo Escocar's brother for intellectual property theft would be the most Elon Musk thing EVER.https://t.co/lAZ2rWvEz5— Matt Dole (@mattdole) July 11, 2019
Disney recalls its trash toys
The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission this week recalled a plush "Forky" toy, a character from the recently released "Toy Story 4" movie. The toy poses a choking hazard to young children due to the toy's plastic "googly" eyes detaching.
But the even bigger news out of this is that there are parents out there buying their children utensils to play with, albeit plush ones. Clearly the writers of the latest "Toy Story" movie took note from Dwight Schrute's daycare's "magical toy box," which was comprised exclusively of utensils from the office's breakroom.
Is anyone actually surprised that a toy that was modeled after a piece of garbage is potentially dangerous for a child to play with though?
He's trash what did they expect?— Daniel Kimberlin (@dskimberlin) July 9, 2019
Wayfair just wants to rule the pool this summer
The retail company specializing in home furnishings ranging from couches to pillows aims to equip your next backyard bash with the most essential item. And no, we're not talking about one of its patio sets.
Wayfair is selling a portable four-person hot tub on its website, which retails for $4,250 (a steal!) And if the price of the product didn't send consumers running, the fact that it's actually the world's largest serving bowl might.
Wayfair may actually be the hero of our next outdoor party. Just imagine how much salsa could fit into that thing. And the fact that it's portable?? Amazing, simply amazing.
I don't know what kind of info Wayfair has on me but apparently they think I'm the kind of person that would buy a $4000 portable hot tub... pic.twitter.com/GmZle4YoNw— Lindsey (@Lindsey90213733) April 18, 2019
Of course this isn't the first ridiculous(ly awesome) product Wayfair has released. The company last year had an ad for a personal sauna, which Amazon now sells as well (because apparently the demand was so big that just one retailer selling the product simply wasn't enough).
We're not sure if this is the kind of thing that will help narrow Wayfair's growing loss, but hey, what do we know?