It's been another weird week in retail. Frontgate's holiday catalog is filled with expensive deer that won't eat your yard, Ralph Lauren released a $3,500 sweater that's equal parts ugly and expensive and the people of Delaware are all lit up over a Joe Biden scented candle.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
When it comes to holiday catalogs, size matters
Black Friday is right around the corner and we all know what that means — overpriced holiday catalogs with ostentatiously festive decorations are coming to a mailbox near you.
While we can say with confidence that we plan on dissecting both the Neiman Marcus catalog and the Williams Sonoma catalog at length later in the year, that's not stopping us from ripping the stuffing out of Frontgate's (originally priced) $5,000 "Animated White Deer" first. Fifty nine inches of creepy, pristinely white, furry and oddly angry-looking deer is the perfect companion for Frontgate's other deer-inspired decorations, including the $2,000 potted poinsettia deer, the $1,500 too-realistic-for-comfort deer and the moss-covered deer that makes it look like you hired someone to shape your shrubs instead of just paying $1,600 to buy one (on sale for $895!).
As much as we'd like to move on to other life-sized holiday decorations, including the "LED Nutcracker with Moving Hands" — which plays the drums to a song that requires no drumming — we're not even done with the deer yet. Without further ado, we bring you the "Regal Reindeer" (prepared to rule your yard if not your family's souls) and the "Wreathed Sitting Deer," which looks convincingly like an animalistic interpretation of Dionysus, the Greek god of wine, harvest and general debauchery.
All of which is to say: Frontgate really likes deer. But it wouldn't be a holiday catalog if there wasn't an overpriced product for everyone in the family, and that's where Frontgate's miniature figurines come in. In order of price, we have: "Bartender Santa," because all bartenders are a combination of Santa Claus and Beetlejuice, his partner in crime "Holiday 2018 Mae," who looks like a combination of Cindy Lou Who and that one grandmother who dresses just a bit too young for her age, and best of all: Convertible Car Santa, who is not only able to craft, manufacture and deliver billions of presents every year for Christmas, but can also afford a sports car with all the leftover Christmas cheer.
So maybe preparing for the holidays costs a lot of money, but the look on your neighbor's face when they see the family of maniacal animated deer laying claim to your lawn — that's priceless.
Ralph Lauren stifles fashion with $3,500 sweater
Perhaps inspired by the plethora of price-gouging catalogs, the fashion world released a number of products recently that are equally overpriced without the benefit of being cute, holiday-related or deer.
Our first victim may seem innocuous at first — after all, it's just a cardigan — but the "50th Anniversary Shawl-Collar Intarsia Cashmere-Wool Cardigan w/ Embroidered Crest Detail" is so much more than an aggressively long name. Made by Ralph Lauren, the cardigan is part of a collection "inspired by the bold, tenacious spirit of Ralph Lauren's heroines throughout history," which in this case seems to have created a product that draws from Native American inspired design, monarchical crests (and price tags: $3,500 is not for the weak) and ugly holiday sweaters.
Ugly sweaters are out of control. pic.twitter.com/VgyTmzn5ez— Kim Bhasin (@KimBhasin) November 5, 2018
And yet, there's part of this sweater — the part that costs about $3,450 less — that we could conceivably see ourselves wearing. Unlike Balenciaga's Rose Bubble Gum Coat, reported by Hypebeast, which looks like a Teletubbie vomited on a furry rug, sewed buttons onto it and started charging $4,800 for it. Don't be deceived by its perceived warmth, though — according to the model, this pink Cookie Monster coat pairs best with … sunglasses?
Don't look at us — we didn't write the book on fashion, we're just responsible for slamming it shut when we get to a bad chapter.
I’m lowkey waiting for Rihanna to wear this— Shantal???????? (@glittagyal2) November 7, 2018
Yankee doesn't hold a candle to Joe Biden's scent
There are overpriced products in retail and then there are ones that just make us scratch our heads. The Joe Biden scented candle falls into the latter group.
But unlike the Fantasy Bra Victoria's Secret will be charging $250 for, a product that captures the essence of the former vice president is actually affordable. A mere $22 at the Delaware History Museum, according to USA Today, the candle apparently smells like "Biden's favorite orange-flavored sports drink," but there's so much more than Gatorade waiting for whoever purchases this democracy-inspired candle.
"The Joe Biden scented candle is more than just a candle that vaguely resembles Joe Biden. It's also a friend, a confidante (at least as much as any other inanimate object), and a mentor (if you're trying to be a candle)," per USA Today. And much like those Post Malone Crocs we trashed last week, the Joe Biden candle sells out.
Because who doesn't love a little politics on the side of products that have nothing to do with policy? So light up a Joe Biden candle and scoop yourself a bowl of Pecan Resist ice cream while you're at it.
???????? he smells like freedom.— ????????⚛MINCHY⚛???????? (@TheRealMinchy) November 2, 2018
You would think that a brand like Joe Biden, he could do something more than scented candles. https://t.co/X40RPvH0cl— Tim White (@timothyjwhite78) November 5, 2018