It's been another weird week in retail.
Despite the affectionate glow of Valentine's Day, the retail sector wasn't exactly basking in love. Rather, brands mangled the heart-filled holiday with the best expressions of love they could manage: poorly thought-out products.
Hold onto your heart-shaped chocolates — here are our favorite retail fumbles from this Valentine's Day.
1. Jolly Rancher declared #ValentinesDaySucks
There's a point in every product's life where it is so horribly bad that it becomes good — phenomenal, even. This Valentine's Day, that product is Jolly Rancher's #ValentinesDaySucks jewelry line.
Justifying everyone who wanted a reason to complain about their ex, the brand told Twitter users to post their Valentine's Day horror stories for a chance to win a piece of free, candy-shaped jewelry that will be just as useless as that stuffed teddy bear you were going to buy, Marketing Dive reports.
But who's really complaining? If there's one thing Valentine's Day is about — aside from how much we love each other — it's how much we don't love each other. And dang it if the whole internet won't know about the year he bought you a stuffed animal and called it a day.
2. Beyonce got customers crazy in love
Since Jolly Rancher giveth on Valentine's Day, it's only fitting that celebrity brands taketh away. In particular, Beyonce.
The pop culture icon launched a Valentine's Day line, which let customers waste all that money they were saving up for flowers on a $30 phone case instead, Teen Vogue reports. The items, which range from T-shirts and crop tops to "bootylicious shorts," seem to be more for people who love Beyonce than for people who love anyone else, as evidenced by the tagline "bey mine."
We like to think that several unhappy couples bought each other Queen Bey merchandise this year so they could at least celebrate their shared love of Beyonce.
3. Asos took bad fashion into the bedroom
Valentine's Day is a time to bask in the love and affection of our friends and family, but it's also a time to point out all of the mistakes they've made. Much like Asos' Valentine's Day lingerie, which resembles one big mistake.
In a nod toward the day that everyone loves, Asos managed to release a batch of lingerie that everyone hates, Metro reports. And it's not hard to see why. The whole collection looks like it was sketched by a love-happy child and cut out by a right-handed kindergartener with a left-handed pair of scissors.
Why has ASOS lingerie gone so down hill ????????— Leah (@leahsenior) January 18, 2018
Can only assume whoever designed these has never seen a female naked.https://t.co/PgrYUSlRiQ— Kate Lally (@katelallyx) February 10, 2018
4. Puma clawed its way into customers' hearts
In keeping with the first rule of Valentine's Day — anything white, pink or red in color is fit to be branded as a Valentine's Day product — Puma released a timely Hello Kitty collection that is, predictably, red and white with cats all over.
The collection, first reported by Teen Vogue, is almost entirely sold out. From $40 baseball caps to $75 Hello Kitty hoodies and $65 sweatpants, adults just can't seem to get enough of the cartoon-branded merchandise. In fact, the only items on the website that haven't sold out yet are the ones that were actually made for children. The Hello Kitty shoes in "preschool suede" and "infant suede" — $70 and $65 respectively — are still blessedly available for parents looking to pamper their preschoolers.
For all the Hello Kitty-loving adults disappointed in the sold out merchandise, cut Puma some slack: It can't be easy being "Forever faster."
5. KFC fried up chicken-scented valentines
There's true love and then there's chicken wing love. And every once in a Cupid-shot arrow, they're the same thing.
No one knows that better than KFC, which released chicken-scented scratch-and-sniff cards for the holiday, Marketing Dive reports. Never lacking for sentimental reasons to buy seasoned chicken, KFC urged customers to "skip the candy" and "share your love of fried chicken with your valentine."
The cards sported taglines like "We're two peas in a chicken pot pie" and "I fell in love with you the moment I slaw you" because nothing says "romance" quite like comparing your loved one to a Southern dish.
6. Wingstop encouraged callers to 'talk saucy'
The market for Valentine's Day chicken wing meals is apparently bigger than we thought because KFC wasn't the only company trying to get a little shake ‘n bake into the romantic evening.
With arguably even more dedication to the chicken wing lifestyle, Wingstop created a hotline for Valentine's Day callers where they could "talk saucy" to a representative or order a $25 wing luv kit, Marketing Dive reports. It's natural, at this point, to wonder what a "wing luv kit" includes, and how much chicken couples really got for their change. While chicken was undoubtedly involved in the night of any couple celebrating with Wingstop, the most exciting part of the package was by far the fact that purchasers received instructions for making a wing bouquet.
After all, you don't really love her until you've handed her a fist full of fried chicken on skewers.