It's been another weird week in retail. Pizza Hut released the second edition of their cheesy Pie Tops, Washington DC's Metro pulled into the fast fashion world with a train-inspired collection and Topshop released a "Vegan" T-shirt that doesn't quite check out.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
Pizza Hut hits a slam dunk in the sneaker market
March Madness is the perfect time for retailers to capitalize on a working population that has suddenly become less productive, more emotional and house-bound whenever possible.
Pizza Hut has done just that with the return of Pie Tops, which can now not only order pizza but also pause live TV, Marketing Dive reports. The Pie Tops II come in "red" and "wheat" colors, and will be sold to the first 50 consumers desperately looking for any product that caters to a sloth-like lifestyle.
While there are fewer sensual products about Colonel Sanders than in KFC's product line, there are just as many corny references to ingredients, including "extreme marinara splash," "cheese grater mesh," and "extra ‘cheese pull laces" because nothing makes customers want to wear your product more than likening its features to junk food.
Then again, we have to admire Pizza Hut's dedication to making the Pie Tops as relevant to their news peg as possible. The same cannot be said for IHop's "PancakeWear," though it does give you the chance to wear your breakfast cravings in a way you never knew you wanted to.
A win for creativity @pizzahut ... high-tops that order pizza pies AND pause the TV while you answer the door ... but do you wear your shoes on the couch? Just sayin': https://t.co/JnN8LELyh6 #PieTops— Lauren Simonetti (@SimonettiLauren) March 6, 2018
Dear @pizzahut— Robby Scalise (@shortconga) March 7, 2018
I know everyone’s going to be sick of this. But I have to have the pair. And so I say again: I will tweet at you every day for a year until I can get the new Pizza Hut Pie Tops II. XO
Where they sell them pizza hut pie tops at? I need em ????????— A.S.N (@_J20_) March 7, 2018
Metro jumps aboard the fashion train
Thousands of people take the metro into DC every day — not because they want to, nor because it's always on time, but because they must.
Naturally, the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority sought to capitalize on this enthusiastic audience by opening the "Metro Shop" — because what every working citizen wants at the end of the day is a collection of products that remind them of their last 40-minute commute.
In addition to "Metro Map" everything, the store also offers T-shirts with inspired phrases like "I let my chauffeur do the driving" and "Traffic? Nah brah," along with the brutally honest sticker that reads: "I love Metro… sometimes." That's nothing compared to the detailed product descriptions, our favorite being for the men's tank top: "for when the sun is out."
Only time will tell if Metro can ride this one out. But hopefully the product line won't burn quite as brightly as the red line this year.
I have a very hard time believing there's a big demand for this merch: https://t.co/8VGVQ7wFja. #WMATA should focus on keeping riders safe (read: not catching on fire) before they start designing graphic tees. ????— Marissa Bialecki (@marissabialecki) March 6, 2018
Topshop finds a rotten egg in vegan T-shirt
They say not to wear your heart on your sleeve, but wearing a brontosaurus on your T-shirt is okay as long as you're a vegan.
At least that's what Topshop was thinking with its latest offering, Teen Vogue reports. Their "Vegan Dino" T-shirt, on sale for $40, urges shoppers to "take a light hearted approach to off-duty dressing," though it remains unclear what kind of "duty" these apparent vegans are on when they're not wearing Topshop's brontosaurus T-shirt.
Further muddying the purpose of this T-shirt is the fact that the inside tag has a recipe on it for a cake that is — wait for it — not vegan, which seems just a little hypocritical given the all-caps "VEGAN" on the front of the T-shirt.
Then again, at least vegan consumers are only spending $40 to sport a T-shirt that isn't exactly what it seems to be, whereas wannabe Instagram influencers are going into thousands of dollars of debt to post about lives that they're not capable of living.
Asos' swimsuit comes up dry
Imagine the scenario: A happy shopper is headed for the beach and finds the perfect swimsuit — stylish, flattering and $56 — and yet, after a long morning sunbathing, she heads for the waves only to find these five words on an inside tag: "Cannot be worn in water."
We wish it was a joke almost as much as Asos' bemused shoppers do, but alas, it seems the retailer is actually selling at least one swimsuit that can't be worn swimming, according to Popbuzz.
The "PrettyLittleThing Studded Bandage Swimsuit" is arguably the most unnecessarily high maintenance item we've seen so far. Aside from literally not being able to perform its main function, the bathing suit also requires dry cleaning, and shoppers are instructed to "think pool party rather than deep end."
Let's just call a spade a spade: This isn't a bathing suit, it's a glorified leotard.